|1.||abstention from sexual relations.|
|2.||abstention by vow from marriage: the celibacy of priests.|
|3.||the state of being unmarried.|
Abstention from sexual relations...everyone wants to know why...well I thought I would take the celebration of my one year of celibacy to really explain...just who I am and why this has become so important to me. This year of no sex didn't start out as a vow of celibacy...I was just a woman tired of being used by men. I hated waking up the day after having sex with some guy and feeling bad about myself. Beating myself up because deep inside I knew I didn't want to do it...but I just couldn't say no. The last few times I had sex were just that...I actually had an experience where I told the guy no, over and over again...and he fucking whined like a little bitch until I just said, "Fine just do it!" Who would really be interested in having sex with someone who didn't want to have it with them? So, he did his thing...and I just laid there...I was his real life blow up doll...I did not participate at all. I was disgusted...I felt so violated. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. (the reason I didn't leave sooner is I was drunk and could not drive). And then my last experience was better but much of the same...I really did want to do it...but it just was painful and I wasn't "ready". I woke up the next morning and got the fuck outta there...and then I beat myself up.
Now, don't get me wrong I don't believe you have to be in a committed relationship to have good sex...but I have done all the bullshit and really...the best sex I have had(and I have had some amazing sex) I at least had a form of a relationship with the guy. Maybe not a committed one but there was an established friendship or some sort of level of trust. So, I made it to a year and then I had a week left in Vegas to do what I thought was going to end up being some crazy sex. But, I thought about it and this celibacy thing feels pretty good...I haven't felt bad the next day in over a year. I haven't felt pressured...I really like where I am in this venture. I think I am going to wait for someone special...it's my time. If you are out there...I am waiting for you.
Now...after you read my next blog you aren't going to believe I am still on my quest...I saw some wild shit in Vegas...I mean stuff you don't see in just a normal day. I went out the the World Famous Red Rooster...yes I have some crazy stories...stay tuned.